I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
