She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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