Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I die, sorry about rent.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
