Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
