I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
