I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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