There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
