dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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