Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
