why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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