Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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