I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
