I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
