when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize