i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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