I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
