Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
