$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
