it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
