nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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