chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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