Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Two words: blizzard sex
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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