is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just want nice things and good sex
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
