decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
