Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
