Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
