my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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