Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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