he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i think i have two assholes
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
