just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He had one of those small greek statue penises
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
