Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
