Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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