we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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