I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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