she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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