theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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