Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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