Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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