its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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