omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I cut my penus on the lid.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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