OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
