I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Come on in and take your pants off
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