I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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