youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
