i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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