Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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