its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
