My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
