he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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