My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
