he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
