Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
