I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
one two three fourrrrnication!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
