Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
