i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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