so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
