I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
