How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
