Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
